Saturday, September 13, 2014

“It’s not like it’s the end of the world.” No, just this one.

When I read on the morning of September 9, 2014 that Stephen Hawking said the “God Particle” could destroy the universe, I said to myself, “There’s a story just beggin for a country song.”

The Ballad of Higgs Boson

Higgs Boson, he was a good ol’ boy, he never told a lie.
He worked hard and went to church and kept his powder dry.
He could skin a hog and saw a log and make that banjo ring;
Then he destroyed the Universe and ruined the whole damn thing.

Higgs Bosun drove a big ol’ truck; it was a mighty rig.
I said, “Higgs, which one is yours?” He said, “The one that’s big.”
Not one to elaborate, he had no words to waste—
Not the sort you’d figure for collapsin time and space.

Higgs Bosun built a cabin with his own two calloused hands.
He met head-on and mastered every one of life’s demands.
Plum eat up with common sense, best man we ever met,
If anyone was still alive, nobody would forget.

Like any other hero, he had a fatal flaw.
Gettin rid of all there is: That was the last straw.
His final, most important test, Lord, that’s the one he flunked.
Everything, includin Kingdom Come, is now defunct. 

Optional Attachments

I realize that nothin is forever.
Ain’t no ties that somethin cannot sever.
If she at least had run off with a person,
By now I would have stopped fumin and cursin.

I’m not prone to be an over reactor,
But my darlin ran away with my tractor.
Her sad attempt to make me feel better
Was writin me this here John Deere letter.

I used to think that there was no one sweeter;
Thought she was the totter to my teeter.
Now I've been sorry that I ever met her,
Ever since the mailman brung this John Deere letter.

“Dear Joe, I hope you don’t think me unkind;
You know tractors are a weakness of mine.
If I was mean, I never meant to be;
Lord help me, I love yellow and green machinery.”

A John Deere letter? Please tell me you’re kiddin.
Am I in the Twilight Zone? Is there a camera hidden?
A John Deere letter? Where’d I put my inhaler?
Maybe you two can get hitched to a cotton trailer.