Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Just Say Gnaw

Listening to NPR yesterday morning, I heard a story about farmers in Colorado considering hemp as a cash crop. 

One of the comments in the story got my attention:

“…hemp can be used to make just about anything: rope, paper, plastic, clothing, shoe polish, car parts and even dog chew toys…”

Some possible product names for the dog chew toys:

Malamute Munchies

Mutt Stash

Lassie Grassy

Bowser Wowser

Kibbles ‘n Blitz

Scooby Doobies

McGruff Stuff (help take a bite…)

Old Meller Yeller

Coo-Coo Cur Chew (Iams the walrus)


Pongo Bongo

Buzz MacKenzie

Wal-Mart will want to get in on it: Ol’ Roy Oh Boy!

Bullet Bites

Chuckleberry Hound

Snoopy Whoopee

This one already exists: Jolly Joints (From our friends at Blue Buffalo).

Clifford’s Big Red Eyes.

Something to please even the finickiest Fido—you know how picky they are about what goes in their mouths. Your dog will dig ‘em.

“And Toto, too?” Yes, Toto, too!

Now, to sing us on outta here, Perry Como with "Hot Diggity (Dog Ziggity Boom)."

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Señor Coffee

In the words of the old blues song—sing with me!—“I woke up this mawnin!”
But it took a while. I’m never fully awake until about midway through the second cup of coffee. The water and the grounds are set ready the night before. That way, all that needs to be done next morning is flip the switch and find a way to distract myself for a few minutes until the brew is through.
We’re never really ready, are we? Things are going along right on schedule, day in and day out, and then the rug is yanked.
This morning, after a reasonable interval, I moseyed back into the kitchen and found the coffee maker gasping and sputtering. There was but about an eighth of an inch of murky water in the pot. I closed my eyes and visualized Juan Valdez, patron saint of the caffeinated. Señor Valdez shook his head, lowered his lids, and led his donkey toward the horizon.
Mr. Coffee did not go gentle into that good—to the last drop—night.
KWICHHH…SCHNAAA! Mother of mercy…Is this the end of Rico?
VZSCKIZZ…BWIP! Oh happy dagger! This is thy sheath; there rust, and let me die.
WTFAKA-FAKA-FWEEEEW! Don’t touch that water! Ohhh! You cursed brat! Look what you’ve done! I’m melting! Melting! Oh, what a world!
HAJAH-HOO-FNEZZ-BISSH! I have been…and always will be…your friend. Live long…and prosper.
SKANITFF-BSHIZZ! Let us cross over the river, and rest under the shade of the trees.
WHOCK-MFFFF-KWA! Either that wallpaper goes or I do.
This could take a while. Not to be insensitive or anything, but I could sure use a cup of coffee.
HGGGSHHHH…NKIP…PKAHHHH! ♫ Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. I’m half crazy…♪
Sanka Maria, Madre Mia, Mrs. Olsen.
Okay, what are the options? I could maybe afford a small cup from the convenience store. The credit card’s not quite maxed out, but there’s still the electric bill to take care of. Campfire coffee! Just boil a pan of water, dump in the grounds, and let them settle. Wait! There’s that one-cup coffee maker they gave us when we opened the checking account back in ‘87. Never saw much use in a one-cup-at-a-time… Please tell me we didn’t donate it to the ecumenical garbage garage sale. Where is that thing?
That thing was still in the box, way in the back, behind the doo-dad collection. Whew!
Instructions? Nah, how complicated could it be? Toss those. Wash it? How dirty could it be? Forget that.
I set the one-cup thing on the counter, loaded it, and plugged it in.
HVNUZZZ-KWUCK-FOOOSHHH! Say hello to my little friend. 
In times like these, we must ask ourselves some hard questions: Do I really need to take a shower before going to Wal-Mart?

Friday, January 18, 2013

The Place Where Something Once Was

It seems like when I’m all alone I’m with nobody else.

It’s as if there’s no one else around except myself.

Like now, for instance, look around and I nobody see.

Is there a lack of company or is it just me?

It reminds me of the place where something once was,

A place that used to stand right there, but now nothing does.

All the things that happened there were local events,

Then the place was gone, and so they haven’t happened since.

Oh, the place where something once was.

“Was it stolen?” No, don’t call the fuzz.

“Why is it gone?” Simply becuz

It’s the place where something once was.

Some say the future and the past don’t really exist;

“It’s always right now,” so the sages insist.

It’s as true this instant as it was yesterday,

And I bet tomorrow it will still be that way.

You know, perhaps what once was hereabouts

Was fictitious, but I really have my doubts.

I always eschew the absolutes.

Could it be that faux and for real are in cahoots?

I know a place where something was here.

Now it’s not, it’s not even near.

“Is it invisible?” So it would appear.

It’s a place where something was here.

They don’t make ‘em like they used to—Lord knows they never did.

It may not be a lost art, but it’s certainly well hid.

It can’t be replicated—go Google it and see;

There must not be a recipe for creativity.


Infinity, by definition, has to run both ways ∞

So I suppose, it will be back one of these days.

I may be someone else by then and miss it. If I do,

Set your timer and remind me, please. I’m counting on you.

Yes, I’ve been here when something was there.

You ain’t seen nothing like it, I declare.

Maybe I’m just biased, to be fair,

But if you’d of viewed it, man, when it was there!