Nickname Brands

Brother John and I were eye rolling about some of the names they come up with for store brand\knockoff products. We’ve seen Dr. Thunder, Mountain Mojo, Chazoo (chewy fruit wads), Panner Peanut Butter, Panburger Partner, Corntown (cereal), and Casa Mamita Salsa Verde, to name a few. (What’s especially fun about Salsa Verde is that it’s a red sauce.)

In a sincere desire to help, we thought we’d nominate some other possibilities. John, as is his habit, came up with the best ones:

Nurse Practitioner Pepper

Taco Knocker (fast Mexican food—you get it fast, you lose it fast)

Himhe Bars

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butterfingers

Non-dairy Powder Ways

Uncle Jemima Syrup

Aunt Ben’s Rice

Cherubim Soft (facial-quality tissue you use nowhere near your face)

8-Up

Step-Popsicles

Supernatural Light (beer that makes you see…things…some weird damn things)

Coyote Brand Chili

Schmucker’s purple-flavored wiggly stuff (with a name like Schmucker’s, it better be good)

Dinky Debbie (cheap snack cakes that are even cheaper—if not in price, in quality)

iPhony (for making prank calls)

Inexperienced Giant (vegetables in tinhorn cans)

Tater Toddlers

Kansas Fried Chickens (“Try our Breakfast Dust Bowl!” Wash it down with a Gnu-Grape of Wrath.)

Re-Mi-Fa-So-La-TiRitos    

Maxwell Hovel (good to the last rat dropping)

Dairy Heir to the Throne (“We’ll make you feel like a Dairy Heir!”)

SHAM (“Made from real meat—no specific animal implied—from our driveway to your table!”)

Lizard-Ade

Bear Huggies (“Sure, they’re too small, but at this price you’ll make them fit.”)

Chef Boy-Are-We (You kids hungry enough to eat this crap? “Boy, are we!”)

Secrete (“Chemically clogs your pits so you don’t go around smelling like a human.”)

Show-Me State Motor Oil (“Show me the dipstick!”)

Paul & Mary Pan Peanut Butter (“Try our new Dragon Puffs—they’re magically suspicious.”)

I know you’ll want to add your own.